sometimes staying feels impossible

I know I've neglected this blog for a while, but now I'm back and I'll try to post something (even if it's short) every so often.

The past few months have been eventful. There have been lots of ups and downs, but mostly I don't want to write about all of that. I want to write about what's on my mind now. I hope you don't mind.

Lately I've been thinking about the issue of respect, and how, as a Peace Corps Volunteer, it is of utmost importance. And I don't just mean respecting yourself; I mean respecting those around you, your organization, your country, and your host country. I'll give you specific examples:

1. Respect for Peace Corps. Whether we like to admit it or not, being a PCV is a real job. We do get paid. Granted, the pay is meager, and we could all be making much more money in America. But we do get paid. We have bosses--some would argue that we have too many. Sometimes, as with any job, it's difficult to really like our bosses. They have all these policies to enforce, many of which extend into our personal lives, which is something many of us have probably never had to deal with from an employer. Sometimes our Country Director acts much more like a father than we think he should. Sometimes it feels like we aren't getting the support that we need. Sometimes some of these bosses can be downright disrespectful of us, and they all seem disconnected with what it's like to be a Peace Corps volunteer.

But the fact is, this is a job. Bosses are never really in touch with what it's like to be an employee. This is a fact of life, and it exists in every industry. Nearly everything is top-down. The point is that even though we get frustrated, that does not mean that we should stop representing our company well. (Peace Corps is our company.) We have to keep in mind that everything we do reflects on our organization in some way. We all know that negative publicity often travels faster than positive publicity. Just because I get angry with my boss, that does not give me the right to slander his name. Just because I feel like I deserve better training, that doesn't mean I should insult PC staff in public places. Everything we do reflects on Peace Corps. People in our towns do not only see us as Americans, they see us as PCVs. So we owe it to Peace Corps, as a well-respected and honorable organization, to maintain a respectful attitude and conduct ourselves in a respectful way.

2. Respect for America. This is much the same as #1, except that it extends a little further into our personal lives. Every time we go out in public, people notice that we're different. At first, they call us branku. Then, as we attempt to fulfill the goals of Peace Corps, we tell them that we're American and maybe talk to them a little bit. Eventually, the people of our communities come to recognize us as Americans, and as such, everything we do represents America. I know that this is not fair, but it's just the way things are. We are, as our Country Director so often tells us, like little ambassadors for America. Because of this, it would be foolish to think that the nights we spend getting falling-down drunk in public, vomiting on street corners, sleeping with students, flirting with teenagers--it would be foolish to think that these things do not reflect poorly on our country.

It's true--people of this country do these things, as well. But as PCVs, one of our duties, whether we like it or not, is to be role models. Especially those of us who are teachers, and we all know that this extends much further than the education sector. Many (most?) PCVs teach classes, many teach English, all are under a microscope in our communities. So as a PCV, we owe it not only to our organization, but also to our country to be mindful of the fact that what we do has larger repercussions than we sometimes realize. Again, it is important that we conduct ourselves in a respectful way.

3. Respect for Cape Verde. It's easy to make flash judgments about a foreign culture. We all do it. Cape Verde is a foreign land, filled with foreign customs, and we have two years to get to know it. But here's something we all need to keep in mind: even after two years, none of us will truly know what it's like to be Cape Verdean. I've learned a lot in the time that I've been here, but I don't fool myself to think that I am an expert in this culture. Every time I try to describe things, I fall short of recreating the actual experience of living here.

There is a lot I could say about Cape Verde, about alcohol abuse or sex or popular beliefs, but I don't want to misrepresent the culture or the people. It is not okay to misrepresent the culture or the people. So I remark on what I see, I remark on my own experiences and what I have learned. And always, always do I try and be respectful. In order to do this, I try to keep in mind that the things I say or write often reach audiences that I don't automatically think about. I try to anticipate the reaction of several key people in my life here: my students, my boss at the university, my fellow PCVs. If my students read my blog, would they be ashamed? Would they be outraged? If my boss heard the way I describe CV to my friends or family back home, would he be offended? Hopefully, when fellow PCVs consider these questions, they can answer No to all of them, as well.

4. Respect for fellow volunteers. I never thought I'd have to question whether or not PCVs would be respectful of each other, but here I am. When my group swore in, there were 30 people. Now that we're more than a year in, there are only 28. That means that, for whatever reason, 2 people went home. Going home early, whether by choice or otherwise, is difficult. Every Peace Corps volunteer should understand that. Every Peace Corps volunteer should respect that. Unfortunately, not every PCV does.

Each of us made a committment to spend two years in another country, doing what we can to help. Once we got here, the reality of our decision set in. Certainly every Peace Corps Volunteer can understand that. The moment we stepped off that plane, things just got real. On my first car ride, sitting in the room at the rooming house, sharing meals with total strangers, being introduced to a new language and culture, going to live with a strange family, being totally without the comforts of home, being cut off from communication with family and friends--all of these things had me questioning my decision to come here. Every hour of every day for the first five weeks I thought about going home. This is the truth about being a PCV: It is difficult to be here; I have cried more here than I have in the last ten years of my life combined; sometimes staying feels impossible.

There are many other difficulties, even after the training period. Settling in at site; learning to live with a roommate after years of living alone; isolation; unwanted attention (including harassment, sexual or otherwise) from people in the community; bureaucratic nonsense from both Peace Corps and the organization we're sent to work with. I could go on. For each sector (education, business development, environmental education, etc), there are struggles. As an education volunteer, I can only write about the struggles of teaching. In fact, the two volunteers who went home were teachers, so perhaps it makes sense for me to elaborate on only this sector.

Teaching, for me, is very rewarding. Each time I have thought about going back to America early, my students have, unknowingly, convinced me to stay. Put another way: I've long believed that my job in PC is unnecessary and unsustainble, but I stay for my students. But it's important to note that I have been teaching for 4 years; I have a master's degree, I have studied pedagogy, I had experience before I came here, and most of the other teachers did not. Their only experience in pedagogy came from PC staff and consisted of only a few sessions in lesson planning and classroom management. Their first experience with teaching would be in front of a large class (many classes here have 30+ students) full of students who speak an entirely different language and are from an entirely different culture. Can you imagine it? Couple that with discipline issues, all the difficulties of being at site, and--in some cases--severe medical issues, and you have a recipe for a difficult first year.

So two teachers went home. Both of whom did their very best to be good teachers. Both had medical issues; both had struggles with classroom management (though this simple statement doesn't even begin to describe their struggles); both had the kinds of difficulties at site that I mentioned earlier (and some that I didn't mention). Both had many, many friends among fellow PCVs. Both have been disrespected by fellow PCVs (many of whom were considered friends during their service) since going home.

This is unacceptable. We owe it to each other to not be disrespectful of each other. We are constantly told that we are a family, that these are the friends we will have for life. Only a PCV can understand what it's like to be a PCV. We all understand how difficult it is to be here, and we should all understand how difficult it would be to go home early. So why, when someone makes the difficult decision to go home, or when someone is sent home for reasons out of his/her control, why do certain volunteers feel the need to be so terribly disrespectful?

This is something I will never understand. This leaves me with the absolute certainty that if I do make the decision to end my service early, I will be disrespected by my fellow volunteers, too. Family is supposed to be supporting and loving; I have never been disrespected by my family in such a blatant and disgusting way, and I hope to never be disrespected by my Peace Corps family in such a way. But the truth is, I probably already have been. And that is terrible.

I don't mean this post to seem preachy. I know that sometimes I have conducted myself in a way that is disrespectful of others or of my organization. I know that sometimes I have been disrespectful of myself, as well. Each time I feel myself slipping into unbecoming behavior, I think of my mother. Would my mother be proud of my behavior? or am I behaving like someone else's daughter?

The point is, we all have the capacity to change. We can all, from this point forward, make the decision to be more respectful of those around us. I hope we do.